(no subject)

[shortforever]

WHO: Thistle (plus any visitors)
WHERE: Thistle barn and meadow
WHEN: Late Day 7 + Day 8

[Post-game thoughts, coin tosses, and anything else they might need.]

Comments

[survivaltricks]

When you answered that question about. . . judging someone for taking their own life, you spaced out a bit.

[. . .]

What did you see?

[literal_trainwreck]

[an immediate note of defensiveness]

I saw a cliff and felt the temptation to go over the edge.

I didn't take the step.

1/2

[survivaltricks]

[. . . oh. . .]

[. . .]

[survivaltricks]

[carefully, noting that defensiveness]

. . . what held you back?

[literal_trainwreck]

[...]



I don't know. I wasn't thinking rationally.

[survivaltricks]

[ffffrowns]

Do you say that because you think you should have?

[stepped forward, he means]

[literal_trainwreck]

That's not what I meant. "Should" or "shouldn't" didn't even play into it.

[survivaltricks]

[something inside relaxes]

Then. . . what was going through your mind at the time?

[literal_trainwreck]

[unconsciously raising his hand to his neck]

...The air above was suffocating. The choice presented was a slow and painful death or a quick and easy one. What does it even matter what I was thinking?

[survivaltricks]

Ah. . . after what you said, I thought—

[it was more of a choice of taking the step towards death. . . or not]

[he shakes his head]

Either way, I suppose to matters to me. But it's not something you have to share, if you don't want to.

[literal_trainwreck]

[dropping his hand back into the water]

If I jump it's a "definite" and if I stay it's a "maybe," is that what I should say? Maybe the weight will lift if I back off from the edge. Maybe I can still be saved. That's what you want to hear, isn't it? "Save me, Lupin."

[survivaltricks]

[this time, he isn't taken aback by the implication, but his expression does furrow]

That's not— no. That's not why I was asking.

Why do you always think it's about me wanting to save you?

[it's probably the obvious guilt that he couldn't]

[literal_trainwreck]

Because the guilt is plastered all over your face! What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I have to accept what happened to me, so why don't you?

1/2

[survivaltricks]

[. . .]

[survivaltricks]

[instead of responding, Lupin just ducks his whole ass self under water to avoid the question]

[why doesn't he indeed!!]

[literal_trainwreck]

[cool I will just]

[cover my face as best as possible and try to ride out all this misplaced adrenaline]

[survivaltricks]

[it's fine, he has to come up for air eventually. and he does, sputtering a bit as he does so, shaking his head to spread droplets everywhere]

[HE RUINED RELAXATION TIME]

[literal_trainwreck]

[way to go!!]

[Loki has calmed down, but also turned away and isn't even commenting on Lupin shaking his head like a wet dog.]

[survivaltricks]

[runs his fingers through his own hair to wring some more water from his bangs, before letting out a sigh]

[. . .]

Maybe I do have to accept it, too.

[. . .]

I just can't.

[literal_trainwreck]

[glances over, but only briefly, as he is not especially interested in making eye contact]

It wasn't my intent to send you some passive-aggressive message with my answer back there. Relevant though it may have been, I only wished to speak to the conclusion I had come to regarding my mother.

And...

[pauses, takes a deep breath, and speaks as levelly as possible:]

Neither wallowing in the past nor deluding ourselves about the future is helpful to us in the here and now.

[survivaltricks]

[lifting his own gaze to watch Loki as he speaks, quiet and contemplative]

[. . .]

[and then he lets out a breath, something that sounds like a half-laugh, full of wry humor]

Maybe you're right.

[no. he's definitely right. but still. . .]

I don't want to "save" you. Selfishly, I wish I could have. But I think that opportunity is gone.

But I hope one day you can— I dunno. Realize that it's possible to save yourself.

[literal_trainwreck]

[tries to laugh at the very suggestion, but it just sort of catches in his throat, so. that's embarrassing]

[survivaltricks]

[fellas is it gay to contemplate grabbing your fated rival's hand under the water of a public bath in which you're both naked and also probably a little emotionally spent]

[it's fine he stops at the contemplating part]

— anyway.

[trying! to move on quickly for Loki's sake!!]

I'll stop thinking so much about what could have been, or what may be after we get out of here.

I'll just focus on what's happening now.

[literal_trainwreck]

[nods and replies blandly:]

Good.

[survivaltricks]

[nnnngh. . .]

[. .]

[reaches over the side of the bath to grab a little container of medicinal bath salts]

Hey.

Have you tried this before? It's pretty nice; and now's a great time to use it.

[holding it out to Loki!]