૮꒰˵• ﻌ •˵꒱ა ewe can do it~

[noarchitact]

WHO: You, you, & you.
WHERE: the Pasture!
WHEN: Day 91

[ 🐑 baaa. ]

Comments

[audacity]

There's seriously nobody in the world who can do this instead of us.

The gods often can't, and won't anyway. Mortals can't even perceive half of what's going on. Monsters are usually the ones doing the destroying and danger-causing. We're responsible because there's only us. That's kind of literally what we exist for.

[wants_the_phd]

Wow. That sucks.

Almost makes me grateful to be a nobody. Though I guess at least people notice when you die, for better or worse.

Do things get easier if you make it to adulthood?

[audacity]

[ shrugs ]

We mostly don't make it to adulthood. But yeah, I think the gods probably save their really big make-or-break prophecies for when we're younger. That's kind of what I've been hoping, anyway.

You don't think anyone would notice something happening to you, back home?

[wants_the_phd]

[it sounds like demigodhood blows, actually. all sorts of superpowers but way too much stress.]

Only if it somehow created more work for them to do.

I'm a member of the lowest caste there is. We're pretty much worthless. Short-lived, indistinguishable from each other, and easily replaced.

[audacity]

Honestly, that sounds a little like how the gods see us. They live for thousands of years, so a bunch of kids who rarely make it to twenty are pretty easy to miss.

[ like, they can just have MORE KIDS if some drop off here or there ]

This probably sounds stupid, because we don't know each other that well, but...for what it's worth, I don't think you're worthless. I always like talking to you.

[wants_the_phd]

Thank you, Cepheus. I like talking to you too. I'm glad to be the only zmeu you know.

Speaking honestly, I don't even know what it means to have "worth" in this place.

[audacity]

Why not?

[wants_the_phd]

Well, what defines our worth may be different here than it is at home, you know? And since we're all from different places, what it means for one person might be different than for someone else.

Like, how do you decide who has value? Who's important to you? Who's allowed to live, and who's it okay to throw away?

[audacity]

[ breathes out slow ]

I don't think it's okay to throw away anyone. I think everyone has value. That just comes with being alive.

The rest...I'm not so sure. Even back home? The gods value us for the stuff we do for them, and that's pretty much it. Demigods only have each other, and are supposed to look out for each other...but I just told you about the guy who caused a lot of trouble. I've seen two wars that pitted half-bloods against each other. I lived when people who deserved it more didn't, you know? That didn't have anything to do with 'worth.'

[wants_the_phd]

["I think everyone has value. That just comes with being alive." She doesn't buy this one at all. Proof that everyone really does have different ideas about this.]

It's similar for us. We come into the world by the billions, all of us exactly the same. We're expected to toil away, doing all the meaningless labor that keeps the wheels on society, and perish after a couple decades, to be replaced by the next billion faceless nobodies, never to be noticed or remembered. Our only value is in how useful we are. How well we can grease the cogs of the machine by throwing ourselves into the gears.

[audacity]

Ugh.

Honestly, I'm not really great at figuring out this stuff either. But the other thing I think is that having value, and other people valuing you, aren't the same thing. Someone else treating you badly doesn't mean you don't have worth, it just means that they're being a jerk.

[wants_the_phd]

I don't know if "being a jerk" really has that much to do with it. We can't all expect to mean anything to the people around us. And we're not going to care about the people around us equally, either, you know? Like, if you had to choose between Lily and any other flock, who would it be? What if had to choose between Kevin and any other person? I bet you already know in your heart what the answer is. It's fine to say "everyone inherently has value," but to whom do they have value, exactly? There's no obligation to care about people.

[audacity]

I mean...yeah? Lots of people don't care about other people. I guess I'm saying I don't think value comes from anyone else. Like, the grass in the pasture is green whether or not anyone thinks so, isn't it?

Also, uh, if anyone's making me choose between Kevin or Lily and anyone else, that's going to be, like...a demon. Or, I dunno, wolves or something. Gods or monsters back home. That doesn't have to mean I care about someone else less? Or that I don't care about them. It means I'm being limited in who I'm allowed to protect, not who I want to, and by someone pretty shitty, just saying. I just told you about leaving my mom in the Underworld to stop a war when I was twelve, and there's no one I love as much as I love her.

[wants_the_phd]

Nahhh, I see where you're coming from.

You're right, though: We don't need other people's approval. According to society, my only value comes from how useful I can be. How much of myself I can give. But I don't care about being useful because I'm not interested in being used. I'm not here to be anyone's tool. Fuck that.

I'm not gonna kill myself trying to get people to validate my existence, because they won't anyway. What does it matter what other people think?

[audacity]

[ absolutely wild (pos) perspective to someone who hasn't managed to unsee himself as a tool. good for az!! ]

For the record, friends are still pretty awesome to have. But validating your existence is a lot to put on anyone, even people who care about you.

[wants_the_phd]

Friends are nice diversions, but I don't think they really belong in a conversation about self-worth.

People ain't shit. Being friends with someone just means it'll hurt more when they inevitably let you down. --And that's fine if you're prepared for it; just remember we're all disposable, in the end.

[audacity]

[ chews on that a moment ]

We don't really have to talk about this if you don't want to. But I guess what you said makes me wonder one thing.

If you give up on a friendship because someone let you down, are they treating you as disposable, or are you treating them as disposable?

Because you're right? People are fallible. You mentioned Kevin like it's a given I'd choose him over anyone else, but I guarantee you he doesn't see it that way. Our history is complicated. I've let him down plenty. I've failed him. He's let me down too. We're friends now because we're able to forgive each other. I wouldn't have any friends if I didn't have people willing to forgive me for my failures.

I don't know if it's different for zmei. I don't want to assume, 'cause plenty of stuff is really different for non-humans. But for humans, that's just kinda part of the deal. Giving people chances because you think they're worth it.

[wants_the_phd]

Allow me to clarify.

No matter how much you like someone, there are times in life when you may have to kill each other. Not like here, where it can be undone, and blamed on demons or whatever. Really, for-real kill each other, for keeps, whether it's in self-defense, or for career advancement, or because you're in competition with each other and only one of you can succeed.

It's fine to like people, and be friends, and enjoy spending time with each other, as long as you understand that at some point, the opportunity may be too good for them to pass up. And as long as you understand that just because you like someone, doesn't mean you won't have to take them out at some point, too.

That's how it is at home. For a while, I was beginning to think things might be different here, but they're not.

[audacity]

[ shrugs ]

I don't agree. But I know I haven't been here as long as you and, honestly, I don't wanna argue about it.

[wants_the_phd]

That's fair.

I'm old and bitter, so don't pay me too much mind.

I think ultimately we both agree that we shouldn't look to other people to determine our own self-worth. Right?

[audacity]

Yeah, agreed on that.

[wants_the_phd]

How'd you deal with it when that one guy betrayed you, though?

[audacity]

Uh, he poisoned me and left me in the woods to die, so there wasn't a lot I could do about it at the time.

[wants_the_phd]

Wow. Damn.

Did you forgive him?

[audacity]

I'll tell you when I figure it out. That was just one of about a hundred times he tried to kill me, and worse was how he hurt, manipulated, and killed my friends, and went after my family.

When you said you were old, how old is old?